Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
