the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize