i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
