I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
