could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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