those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
