god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
