Someone shit on the floor
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the condom got lost in my hair
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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