Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
