I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
