just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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