I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
