I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
