put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize