I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize