My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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