I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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