If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just forgot I was standing up.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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