She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
