my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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