I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
