Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize