Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
