They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
