You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
