So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
