I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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