i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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