that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize