Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize