Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
