If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize