I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
