Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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