his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
