can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
