I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
