the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
