I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
