There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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