It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
