Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
