You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize