i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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