A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I won the penis lottery.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
