it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
