Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Where is the hickey?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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