I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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