Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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