Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
