why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
