That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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