Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
