If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
