Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
