I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
