Already got asked if we're dating
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
