Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
