I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
