i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
