Its about making memories worth repressing
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
