i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
