On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
