I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
