I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
