if i can run in heels then i can drive
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
