i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
